 Today in my redleaf rose garden I o'erheard private gossip betwixt two serfs that the phenomenal actress of one of my favorite films "Crossroads", Britney Spears, has ventured into mainstream pop music with her debut album, "Blackout".
I first met Britney on December 2nd, 1991. I was a young 165. She was twelve seconds old. Yes, I was there watching her dramatic entrance into the world via the birthing canal of Lynne Spears. How Lynne fit a baby, a hot pink party wig and a Mercedes Benz up there is beyond my comprehension. But there is no doubt. I was there. In fact, the Mercedes Benz hit me upon exit. I sued, and we signed the papers saying I would own Britney's first born. Ron Spears. The one no one speaks of - except me. Even my assistants, Shoshanna and Manuel, do not have access to my celebrity child cellar. I love Ronald - and all my celeb first borns. We are starting a softball team in the winter. So no one sees us.
Despite the settlement animosity Lynne made me Britney's Godfather (so I get 30% of all profits) and I secretly reign as the Spears' holiday bash Santa Claus. Jaime-Lynn confessed to wanting her sisters career for Xmas. I said, "I'm a jew, but come back and see me when you f**k some of that baby fat off." Jaime-Lynn ran away crying while the elfish midget photographer and I snickered. We always quote lines from the cult classic "Showgirls" to videotape the children's reactions. You should have seen when I exclaimed to her brother Bryan, "I use to love doggy chow!" But, he understood and replied, "I use to love doggy chow too!" Then we acted out the hospital scene after Nomi Malone pushes Crystal Conners down the staircase. Bryan Spears is a great kid. I'd exchange Ronald for Bryan anyday.
But, Britney will always be the star of the Spears family. From her sassy teen spirit on the "The Mickey Mouse Club", to her comical turn as a closeted lesbian Christian on "Will & Grace" and her stirring revelations in "Fahrenheit 9/11" Britney has been a true leader of Artistic independence. I wish her nothing but goodwill on her debut album. I encourage everyone to purchase it. If not for Britney and her family, but for my 30% profit.
Amen.
Beckett Boo, Esq. Cat Entertainement Blogger Extraordinaire! www.beckettboo.com |
